Death

We're all born with the same destination, which is to die. It happens all around us yet it is still such a surreal subject. Why is that? Why is it that even though you know one day or another people are going to die, its still a surprise? Regardless of the prepation; such as cancer patients who are known facts for not surviving, or just the fact that we already know. Is it denial? I dont know.

When I lost my grandmother it felt so fake. Like a sick practical joke. Its not that I didnt want to accept, I knew that when she had her stroke and went into a coma she wasnt coming back. Yet seeing her heart rate go flat because we cut off support. It didnt feel real. It was like a dream. I saw it, I heard, but there was no feeling, or smell. Till now after 5 almost 6 years does it feel real.

I thought to myself yesterday before sleeping. I thought of death. It came so suddenly and randomly that it scared me. The feeling of knowing im going to die isnt what im afraid of. Its mostly not knowing whats after. I used to think I didnt belong in this time era. Im a bit different than the majority of others I know. What I like was from decades before. I used to and still somewhat believe in reicarnation. For some strange unknown irrelevant reason or another.

But death. It hangs over all of our heads. We all have a rope around our neck and only sooner or later is our life sentence over. Maybe this isnt even life. You know, the one worth living. This life we live in is the one we get for being screw ups. Look at what were going. Nowhere and damn fast.

So again, Death? Life's mystery and its so sad that the only way we can find out is by going through it. I want a peaceful death or as peaceful as it gets. But however it happens, when it will ill know that when I was born I did something I was destined to do. Kind of sick, yes. But its the truth. How do you feel for it?

We've all seen it? Some felt it? Some lost it? But one way or another we get it. Different forms and capacity's depending on the giver. Its love. Its what some people read about and want. Its that dreaded four letter word guys tend to stray from. And girls' they seek it.

I've seen from the sidelines adults telling my friends "you're too young to understand". And it wasn't till recently that I now know what they meant.

Its not literally the age. It's your mental age. Yes SOME girls mature faster than boys. But theres still THOSE girls who are morons. They get into a relationship two days later their in love. B.S much. Of course. And when they break up its like their whole lives are over, their never going to date again and their only, what? Between the ages of 15-20.

Don't get me wrong I do believe in love. And that special someone. But I don't think every guy is love, or that special someone. Kind of defeats the purpose.

If a couple breaks up, its not the end of the world. Yes it hurts if their your parents but sometimes you do grow out of love. But that doesn't mean they won't be happy ever again. And if your young put the ice cream away its not like their dead. And if they best wishes. So ya. Loves complicated, confusing, hidden, and usually never last if its only physical.

We live, we die. We experience things, people, joy, anger, sadness, and bliss. Euphoria, streaming through our veins. Rush, sleeping. The kill, the dead waste. What is it all for? I wonder, I contemplate on what's the next move. What's the next meal of choice? Is it something rare and beautiful, something unseen and never heard? It's taste lingers after. The spasms of ecstasy leaving me breathless. I fight for it, the air, the smothering feeling of being able to be breathe is overwhelming. We die. We've felt it all. In the end there's never anything to show for it. Only mere memories of your lasting impressions in those who ever bothered to remember how you ever even got so low.

What is it we choose to be, if chosen at all? Chooser's of young love, or abuse of drugs. Destined to be chooser's of fate. Really there's no choice at all.