Sad/Unsure

How is it when you've actually fallen in love with someone whome you've never actually had, that they never go away. Your heart paces when you see them, pounds when you speak to them and ache when you feel them and they walk away.

I used to never believe people when they would say your heart breaks. I used to think that was just a saying that those overly dramatic people would say when they had lost their "love" of their lives.

It does though.

You can feel the pain in your heart. Its almost as if it stopped beating and it's about to die off and then starts up again. My heart is broken.

I am no longer a non-believer of love. I truly do believe its possible. Now, will it ever happen again?

I have only ever like 3 guys in my whole life as of now. Only 3. One in elementary till middle school, one in high school and some guy now. But I fell in love with my best friend in High School.

Since my freshman year at 14, Im turning 20 this year, till now even.

After all this time, even when I havent seen him in months seeing him made me feel him, his touch, his laughter, and his confidence in trust with me.

And now he's getting married. And I still love him. I never stopped.

He was my first true love. So far the only one.

I want to cry and run and break things. And yet I'm writing this stupid pointless fucking blog that no one ever reads other than my friend Maribel. No one else does and yet this felt like my first priority. WTF!!!

IDK....

What to think anymore...IDK

Love, hurts you so much yet its so great. Everyone thinks im realistic when it comes to love and yet look. I fell hard for it.

other than that Im bored. I want to go out and there's nothing to do because everyone else has shit of their own to do.

And now im listening to Jewels "Foolish Games" song.

Am I stupid for having fell for someone who always had those other ones?

He was never rightfully mine to fall in love with. Maybe if I would have stopped caring for him so much I wouldnt hurt so much now.

...I do not know what else to write....